Some people are fans of the New Orleans Saints. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New Orleans Saints. This 2013 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the 2013 NFL previews so far right here.
Your team: New Orleans Saints
Your 2012 record: 7-9. GOODELL!!! (shakes fist dredged in Cajun seasoning)
Your coach: Wine-swilling bounty program overlord Sean Payton, back after a year in Ginger Hammer-imposed exile. And the best part is that Saints fans believe having Payton back will solve all of the team's problems, which might be possible if Payton played both cornerback and defensive end. In a league with so many terrible defenses, the Saints had the worst defense by FAR. They gave up 15 percent more yards than the second-worst defense in the league (the Giants). And who did they hire to fix this mess?
(door flies open)
OW-OOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Finally, Wolfman Rob is workin' in a city that GETS him. Me and this town go way back, friendo. I remember coming here for my fourth bachelor party back in 1982. I went to my favorite bordello—Lucky Pierre's—and met up with this Creole gal who had REMARKABLE tits. Well, she takes me up to the Dr. John Suite and peels her lace frock off. And I swear to God, this gal had not one dick between her legs, but TWO! Looked like a cow's udder down there. Well anyway, I make a few "halftime adjustments" and we ended up having a shitkickin' good time. I won't lie: I love a woman with a man's ass. I may have been on mushrooms and acid at the time. REAL WILD s***.
Your quarterback: Drew Brees. Having Drew Brees as your quarterback means that every offensive possession will end in either a) a touchdown, or b) a horrific interception that Drew Brees is somehow never blamed for. When Tony Romo throws a pick, everyone shits all over him. When Drew Brees throws a pick, Saints fans are like GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO BREESUS CAN'T DO IT ALL HIMSELF GUMBO GUMBO PO' BOY ZYDECO POLICE CORRUPTION.
Your one fantasy player everyone will hate: Mark Ingram, who remains thoroughly useless. The Saints have concocted the perfect nightmare running back platoon. Darren Sproles catches all the passes. Pierre Thomas gets all the long runs. And Mark Ingram gets all the plays where he's stuffed at the goal line twice before a frustrated Brees throws an effortless touchdown to Jimmy Graham on third down. If the Saints could find a way to use sixteen backs to gain 1,200 yards over the course of a season, they would.
Why your team sucks: Do you know what the worst defense in football doesn't need? A new base alignment incorporating an elaborate, blitz-heavy scheme that is entirely reliant on good personnel and forces terrible defensive backs into one-on-one coverage against some of the league's best receivers. Julio Jones will get 1,000 yards receiving in just two games against this shitpile. The Saints defense is Roger Goodell's perfect 21st century defense: a completely defanged, helpless unit that gives up 30 points for every useful play it makes. It's an ideal television defense in that it does nothing MOST of the time, but will occasionally get a token interception just to let you know that NFL defenses haven't been eradicated completely. In this town, a quarterback has a better chance of being brought down by violent diarrhea than by a Saints defender.
Without Gregggggg Williams around to hand out under-the-table bonuses, and without Mickey Loomis' elaborate series of locker room fap cameras, the Brees Saints are like the Marino Dolphins: a team designed specifically to rack up gaudy passing stats and do absolutely nothing else useful. And, as always, the miserable bags of s*** that constitute this fanbase deserve such torment. You people can't even speak English, or any f**** language for that matter. People from New Orleans just make a bunch of noises and pray that it comes out understandable. WOOOOOOOOOO HYEHHHHHHH OODAYYYYYYYYY...
WHO DAT! You shouldn't be proud that your team's slogan is something that a three-year-old in need of occupational therapy would say.
FUN FACT: No New Orleans resident has taken a shower since 1985. You people are worse than rednecks because you think having a bunch of overcrowded, sweaty jazz clubs and a signature fried shrimp hoagie makes you immune from being labeled rednecks. Not true. You are rednecks with an inexplicable superiority complex. New Orleans is the birthplace of so many awful things: goth culture, actors trying to get extra "realness" cred, Dan Aykroyd's music career, writers who co-opt the city's poorest residents for their own moral grandstanding, an economy based solely on tit beads, and natives who earn a living off of tourism but make every effort to let tourists know they don't "get" their shithole of a town and never will. GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO BOURBON STREET AIN'T THE REAL N'AWLINS GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO. I hope the Saints' Super Bowl win is eventually vacated.
Why your team doesn't suck: Turns out none of the OTHER teams in this division can play defense either, which means the Saints could easily barnstorm through the regular season before they encounter a real defense in the playoffs, become frustrated that they aren't scoring right off the bat, and then commit nine turnovers in a lopsided loss. Should be fun to watch.
The 10 worst Saints ever:
1. Aaron Brooks
2. Johnathan Sullivan. Never trust that extra H.
3. Archie Manning. Archie had a completion percentage under 56 percent and threw almost 50 more career interceptions than touchdowns. Oh, but poor Archie had no supporting cast. If Archie's name were Aaron Brooks, they'd be burning effigies of him outside the Superdome to this day.
4. Mike Ditka. The best part about Ditka's tenure in New Orleans is that it was the moment that America realized, "Hey, wait a second. This guy's a f**** idiot." And we've never looked back. Good job, 'Merica.
5/6. Billy Joe Tolliver/Billy Joe Hobert. Starting games in the same season! Unreal. Like a Manziel family reunion right there on the football field.
7. Val Kilmer
8. Gregg Williams
9. Ricky Williams. If the Saints ever draft a player named Billy Joe Williams, I'll die laughing.
10. Vaughn Dunbar. I thought Vaughn Dunbar was awesome because he rocked the dark visor with his helmet. Bonus points if your visor is mirrored. I'd want a police badge on my shoulder pads to go with it.
Emails from Saints fans:
http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks ... 1027576453
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